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Living with Autism

Happiness, lost

What makes you happy? Do you know? Do you really ever know what makes you happy?

My mind right now tells me there is no happiness to be found and everything makes me upset. It is hard to motivate myself to feel happy or “live in the moment”. The jeux de vivre, as the French call it, I used to have is now misplaced – like that one glove of your favourite pair, just as you are about to head out into a cold day.

It’s annoying for me to think that it was so easy to lose and that when I try to make a list – something that by itself usually creates a little bit of happiness for me – I come up empty.

Yes, playing with the computer or spending quality cuddletime with the kids is great but… right now I don’t feel like I am happy.

There are no hobbies or minor obsessions to focus my time on, while there a number of major uncertainties in my life that I have little effective control over and take a while to resolve:

Work

Work is one major situation where I risk getting stuck between chairs and am actually pretty ill equipped to deal with. There’s politics and all sorts of coms happening that just goes above my mental capacity to compute. I still try though, which is tiring to put it mildly.

Divorce

My divorce and communication with my former partner is in a situation I feel that even with legal help I cannot control either.

While my ex partner does her best to press my emotional buttons, I now struggle to communicate with my solicitors and wrap my head around the process while trying to understand what decisions maybe beneficial to me.

Love

My love life doesn’t exist and my girl friend needs time and distance to get herself into a better place before contemplating being with me. It sounds dramatic and while actually positive (she still wants to be with me), I really struggle to deal with the uncertainty and ambiguities inherent in matters of the heart. 

Moving forward

So I try to be strong and carry on with life. I feel tired and not many things make me happy right now. In fact, if there was a way to just switch myself off like a computer and turn myself on again when the major situations are resolved, I would be very happy.

But this does not happen and I have to deal with my feelings and the stress which takes a toll on my health again. 

A kind of therapy

I am writing this while sitting in a noisy place with lots of inputs, some more offensive than others, and feel very tired. In fact, going back to bed is a very attractive alternative right now.

Of course, it is all for a good cause and hearing my kids playing and enjoying themselves does make me happy although I don’t actually feel it. It’s a weird situation where I logically understand what I should feel like but it’s drowned out by my upset tummy, itchy skin and burning eyes.

Writing these thoughts down, without them becoming a rambling stream of consciousness, is in equal parts therapy and major effort. It distracts me from just sitting here thinking and computing solutions for situations outside my control.

It’s good to talk

I guess talking helps and if I had to pay my friends for all the time they spend listening to me moaning about how crap my life feels, I’d need to take out a loan to pay for it!

As a friend told me once, realise those things you don’t have control over and move on in you mind. Why worry about things you can’t influence? Que sera, sera… .

Epilogue

Well, I should be able to do what ever I put my mind to and so I keep willing myself to do the things I must, for eventually I may find happiness again.

Until then, I just need to keep calm and carry on.


Image credit: https://unsplash.com/photos/AbUS7V0wQ_k

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